Si MaArti at Si MaDrama

Napaisip ako... "Maswerte nga siya."

Mga dalawang taon na din ako nagaantay ng pagkakataon. Makita lang, makasama, kwentuhan, inuman -- kahit pa tubig lang. Gusto ko lang talaga siya pero ang magulo don, hindi ko alam kung gusto nya din ako. Minsan iniisip ko oo, gusto nya din ako. Pero parang malabo pa din. Hirap kasi nya i-pinta.

Pumasok ka?

Pmaz0k akow. Bkt?, reply nya.

Binabakla pa din nya ako. Palitan ko daw kasi ang "s" ng "z" para mas zozyal. At dapat daw parang mayroon akong braces or singaw para bawat labas ng salit sa bibig ko parang hirap na hirap ako.

Absent?, YM ko sa kanya.

Nada, sagot nya.

Kasi invisi(ble) nanaman.

Hahaha gnun tlga!

Kala ko tuloy di ka naka pasok.

Hahaha!

Ayy zorri pazok pala.

Anu ggwin mo kng d ako nkpasok?, tanong nya.

Eh padadalan ka ng sopas sa bahay mo.

Haha, sopas tlga. Very provincia.

Hehehe! And very sweet, sabi ko.

And very drama. Hahaha!

And very arti!, sabay ngiti habang nakatitig sa harap ng computer ko.

Hahahah namaernch!, sagot nya.

Ayaw nya kasi ng ma-drama. Ayaw nyang pinaguusapan ang mga bagay ukol sa puso. Mailap nga kasi siya sa mga ganong bagay. Dinadaan ko na lang sa biro. Pero ang totoo gusto ko lang siyang mapaamin. Mahirap lang talaga. Mas gusto nya daw kasi na pinaparamdam na lang kaysa sinasabi.

Hindi naman siguro siya papayag makasama ako kung ayaw nya. Siguro nga.

Ikunuwento nya ang mga nangyari. Napapailing ako kapag binabanggit nya ang pangalan nung isa. Yung salarin kung bakit halos walong buwan akong di nagparamadam sa kanya. Ayaw ko din kasi magmukhang tanga pa at umasa. Siguro nga mabait lang talaga ako. Alam ko din kasi kung saan dapat lumugar ng ayon. Sabi nya pinagsawaan daw siya. Hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano nangyari yun. Ang asa loob ko lang masyado siyang masarap makasama para pag sawaan. Mas malaki pa palang tanga yung isa kaysa sa akin. Magkaibigan daw sila pero parang nararamdaman ko pa ding may pagtingin siya sa kanya.

Gusto mo pa ba siya?

Noong kahihiwalay pa lang, oo.

May kumirot ng onti. Madrama nga kasi.

Eh baket di kayo magkabalikan?

Di naman kasi siya nakikipagbalikan eh. Saka, wala akong nakitang pagbabago.

Isa pa rin daw siyang matanda na may utak ng isang bata. Immature ika nga.

Dapat nakuntento na ako sa sagot nya. Pero mashado na ako maraming pinagdaanan para malaman din na dapat na lang akong manahimik. Nakuntento na lang ako sa pag titig sa mukha nya. Pinagmamasdan bawat kilos, bawat tingin, bawat ngiti. Masarap maramdaman pero mahirap din. May onting sakit, onting asim pero nawawala din dahil naalala kong kasama ko siya ngayon. Para sa akin, ok na yun sa ngayon. Bahala na bukas.

Naisip ko, maswerte yung isa, yung dating mahal nya. Pero maswerte na din ako ngayon at kasama ko siya. Yun nga lang, mas maswerte pa din yung isa kasi minahal niya. Sana ako din.... balang araw.

Magdadalawang taon na pero hindi pa din ako nagsasawa. Kinikilig pag nakikita. Natutuwa pag nakaksama. Masaya pag kausap.

May drama, kaonting arte pero umaasa pa din na bukas makalawa sana, makita niya na ako yung taong sasalubong sa kanya pag uwi. Makikinig sa kwento ng araw nya. Nakangiti.

Masaya.



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Last Viewing

Last night I was invited to watch an indie film at SM Megamall... and I was "the date." It stared Janice De Belen, Leondro Baldemor (who was soooo freakin' hot!) and Sherwin Ordonez. It's very rare that I get to go to premier nights nowadays. Back when I was a tad bit younger this was 'my thang.' I loved playing dress-up and walking the not-so-long and not-so-red carpet.

He invited me a few days back to watch it with him. I actually found it sweet considering we've only gone out a few times. Nevertheless, I was still eager to go. I met some of his friends, equally stylish and dressed to the nines. I wasn't just about to be left out. HA!

True to Filipino form and customs, the movie ticket indicated 7:30pm and we arrived 6:45pm... and the movie started oh, about an hour later. Is it just me or do Filipinos never really value time?

The movie was interesting enough. It was about a single mother with an autistic child who worked for a crematorium. For some of you who may not know, a "last viewing" means you're invited to go inside and take a look at your dead loved one for the very last time before he/she gets cremated. I initially thought having this kind of title for a movie was a bit morbid and thus had my suspicions of the film. I am not an avid fan of Janice but I've seen some of her more serious films and thought she was a great actress.

Laura (Janice deBelen) was portrayed to be cold, distant and even heartless. She had a troubled past having been sent away from home and disowned by her own father after having a baby out of wed-lock. In our culture, this is still very much a taboo and looked down upon. The plot actually revolved on Laura's search for her daughter after she went missing one afternoon. Being detached helped her move on with her daily life still keeping that glimmer of hope to one day find her daughter.

To be quite honest, I found the first 40 minutes or so of the film boring. I found the story went too slow and took too long to establish itself. I remember even looking at my watch wondering what time I'd be home. But it does get better. There were a few comedy kicks every now and then enough to keep you glued to your seat.

The best part of the story actually comes in the end, so I suggest you see it through. A real tear-jerker so I strongly advise to prepare the necessary items --- hanky, tissue, or even a sleeve of the one beside you.

Kudos to the team who worked their a**es off for 6-days of non-stop shooting. One being the guy I'm currently going out with. I especially liked the character of the aunt of Laura. She brought the best comic relief for the film.... hands-down!

This is what I like about indie films, they bring out the freshness of the actors. You get to see them on a different light outside the glitter of some mainstream film they did before. It seemed more real, more emotional, more dramatic, and more inspired.

I think this is Janice's best work --- yet.
|picture grabbed from:http://www.noypitayo.com/2009/07/janice-de-belen-in-last-viewing-movie-trailer/|

Directed by Ronaldo Bertu­bin written by Romual­do Avellanosa. The film will be showing regularly starting Aug 5, 2009 in Metro Manila.




Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Saturday Night Nausea

On my near-epic quest to find that one person in the world I was meant to be with, I set out to our usual hang-out on Saturday nights--- BED Malate for a much needed break from the monotony of my alone-ness. Although I wasn’t really there looking for a perfect mate, I am on the lookout. But on this particular Saturday night, I decided to dress down and chillax with friends over a few drinks and nice conversation. Or so I thought.

We were sms-ing early evening basically asking each other superficial questions from “what are you doing?” to “are you busy?” My mobile phone was heating up with so many text messages coming in and out. V and I were sms-ing about her new found love. I was flirting with a couple of guys. And my mother buzzed from time to time as well asking how I was.

I finally ended up inviting this guy to go out as a “make peace” gesture for him ditching me the previous night. You see what happened was, last Friday our office was called off due to bad weather conditions and I decided to meet up with some friends and invited this particular guy to hang out with us. It took a while to convince him but I thought to myself I’d like someone to be with when I met up with all my coupled friends. To cut the very lengthy and boring story short, he canceled last minute. And after begging me forgiveness that Saturday was supposed to be his way to make it up to me. Since I believe that some people deserve a second chance, I said yes to meet him which turned out to be a pretty huge mistake.

He arrived almost an hour late. I was already sms-ing V about how pissed off I was. She said I should just ditch the guy and head to Malate. And I almost did that too. But I waited with every minute passing getting even more irritated. He finally arrived and if I remember correctly didn’t even apologize for being THAT late. Or if he did, I didn’t see the sincerity on that apology thus easily forgotten. Anyway, since it was already late and I was already itching to drink. We headed to Malate. The cab ride was extremely awkward though I was trying to lighten things up already. This guy was just too dense or perhaps even inexperienced in the matters of dating. I was beginning to pity him. The only good think about the cab ride was the program on radio that we ended up listening to and laughing our asses off.

It was 97.1, Barangay LS Forever and the program was with a DJ named “Papa Dan” which played Sheryl Cruz’s Mr. Dreamboy in the background the whole time --- a tad bit nauseating really. But what was hilarious about this was the concept of the program. It was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C! Basically, the DJ would invite two callers, one female and one male, and match them up in an annoying attempt to entertain the entire country. On this particular call, the DJ asked them to do a little “skit” pretending that that guy was asking the girl on the other phone out. Which turned out to be a real thing after the ear-bleeding phone call finally ended.

***
DJ Dan: So, saan mo siya dadalhin para sa date nyo?

Guy: Sa magandang lugar. Doon sa malamig at maganda ang tanawin.

DJ Dan: (injects a lame joke about an ice plant.) Ah talaga saan ba ang asa isip mo na maganda ang tanawin at malamig?

Guy: Sa Baywalk!

It was infuriating and funny at the same time. I never knew I could feel both almost at the same time.

Guy: Pwede ba itanong kung anong size mo? Chubby ka ba or mataba? (There’s a difference--- tinagalog mo lang eh?!?)

Girl: Slim ako. Fit. S-I-xy. (That’s right, she said it with an ‘I’ not ‘E’)

DJ Dan: Meron ka bang kamukhang artista? Sino?

Girl: Meron. Si Angelica Panganiban! (with a very strong Visayan accent)

Guy: WOW!

Girl: Oo, 26 ang size ko! (Size of what??? IQ?)


***


After a few more drinks, my other friends finally arrived and we were finally off to BED. Being at the club was like a social gathering of sorts. Since technically it was one of only two gay clubbing scenes in Metro Manila, you were more likely to meet EXs in an orderly manner. First upon entering the club, one or two would probably greet you, then another while you’re dancing your butt off and then one more as you make your way to the exit pissed drunk. In my case, I saw them randomly across the dance floor. And then you’d see a few more people, not (E)Xs but more of “(WH)Ys.” People you’d either gone out with that never really worked out or someone you’d like to go out with but couldn’t. Again, on my case, I saw both… and more.

In the variety of old and new people you’d meet there it makes one wonder why anybody could still be single. The gay population in Manila has exploded to what seemingly felt like a “fad.” I remember when it was so much easier to find a relationship --- gay meets boy, boy turned out to be straight, gay meets gay, falls in love and cheats eventually, gay meets another and the deadly cycle goes continues. Nowadays, most people had re-defined the concept of love and relationships. And while it’s true that there is a remote possibility of finding your one true love, one could only ask--- is it really out there? And if it is, the million dollar question comes to mind: “Where (the hell) is it?!”

My journey has been long, tedious and sometimes even utterly frustrating. Failed dates aren’t exactly my idea of good living. But one could only try until eventually it becomes right. After all, you could only try to pick the bad apples from the basket in the hopes that you’ll find something golden eventually.

In the many opportunities that life throws at you, one could only hope and pray that the great Odyssey of your life leads you not astray from home. Where, hopefully, someone will be waiting for you and your great journey ends only to begin anew.

Now isn’t that worth waiting for?



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

On A Rainy Friday, I Wrote About My Friends

On a very cold, wet, rainy Friday, I spent the afternoon in one coffee shop with my bestfriend. She studied and I, well, wrote. Thinking about what to write is not a very daunting task for me. As far as I’m concerned the few things that I write about well are relationships, heartaches and the eternal longing to be with someone. And yet on this particular rainy afternoon, I find it difficult to write about what I’m feeling. Perhaps because as of right now, I don’t feel anything and I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. Have I become too jaded about the entire concept of love that it evades me even in writing?

I don’t think so.

A few days back, my friends and I got together for our usual coffee-chit-chat-bonding moment. We met at Starbucks Rockwell and began the tedious, very detailed updating of our lives. My variety of friends would surprise you. And while I do have a lot of them, I also have my fair share of not-so-good friends slash enemies – or to be politically correct, I treat them now as mere acquaintances. We do our usual Hi’s and Hello’s but nothing deeper than that. I’ve learned to distance myself from people who usually have the tendency to hurt my back with their knives. Specifically, some people from the office.

We got into thinking about the lives we each live. Some of us have been friends for over 10 years and others just a few years short of that. So you could just imagine how close some, if not all of us have been through the years. In a nutshell, we know each others’ D-I-R-T. We’ve experienced the lows and highs of our friendship but we remained, fortunately, steadfast as friends.

But what’s truly amazing about it is that regardless of our mistakes, we never judged each other. Sure we clash from time to time but we never really allow it to stand in the way of friendship. There’s D, who of all the people I’ve known may quite possibly experienced the true craziness of being in love. She allowed herself to be in too deep waters with a man she could never have and even produced proof of that. TWICE. And while her mistake was treated as a blessing, we do worry about her and the path she’s currently taking. We all know that the hardship is just starting and we are pretty much ready to stand by her side all the way. Probably even bang her head against a brick wall from time to time to wake her up.

Then there’s “M” and “A,” whose relationship has lasted more than I initially thought possible. Their personalities are so different from each other that often I wonder how they do it. But when I really stop to think about it, it’s all about the love. However you may define it. I guess you could call them lucky to have found each other with all the complications surrounding their relationship. Then, another couple, “R” and “A,” that like the other couple have very different personalities that somehow seem to complement each other. It wouldn’t come as a surprise if they finally end up together with a dozen kids to which we are all godparents to.

There’s “A” and “B,” who have been together near forever. And while no relationship is perfect, theirs seem to portray an ideal one. Rarely that I even hear them fighting or that one has a problem with another. They’re that good a perception management.

My close friend “V” who is probably the toughest woman I’ve ever known. We often joke that she has evolved --- becoming a man, or at least thinking like one. She has the biggest ego of anyone I know and yet could love like no one ever could. She’s a tough nut to crack but when you do finally get to what’s inside; you’d be surprised to find a golden heart inside. She could hide her feelings to everyone but a few when needed and could bark at a stupid and irritating stranger in a second. I could only pray that she finally finds someone to make her happy and treat her like the ‘princess’ she is.

Then there’s my bestfriend --- as the word implies, best and friend. Not much to say but she already knows how important she is in my life as much as I would like to think that I’m equally important to hers. Our bond couldn’t be stronger.

And then there are all my other friends who as I met in many, many different occasions and some not even seen in years, remained to be very dear friends to me.

And then there’s me. Well, you all know what I’m like. But I’d also like to believe that I’m as much important to all my friends as they are to me, I'm also as important to them. So really, who needs more, when I already found enough for this lifetime and perhaps even the next? For the longest time, I’ve always been bothered by the fact that I cannot please everyone. But I realized it’s enough for me to please these few. I know I’ll keep them for as long as I could --- at least until I find the one person worth keeping above all the rest.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Wanted: Love, Sex and (maybe even) Magic

Times have changed. People have evolved and the more they have the less important it seems for most people to be in love. And yet why do people still insist on finding it? Even if we are all aware how elusive it can be. The other day I saw a mentally challenged (autistic) person on TV and out of the blue it hit me. Will this person ever get married? Does she even care if she doesn’t?
Compared to most ‘normal’ people, others who are afflicted with some kind of mental illness, physical incapacity, or emotional turmoil are the most who are in need of love. And yet, are they capable of loving the same way as everyone else does? On some level, they know if they love someone. They were taught what kind of feeling that is but for them it’s very simple. They care and show their affection in one way or another, and thus define it as love. No complications. No math. No rocket science. No fuzz. They say what they feel when they feel it. Whether or not it’s reciprocated, never bothered them. But for us who are considered ‘normal’, it’s as difficult to say, find, or even feel love as the proverbial needle on a haystack. We put so much pressure and thought to it that we’ve become incapable of defining what love is in its true value. We’ve become jaded. Not able to differentiate love from lust or affection from attraction. Are they luckier because they don’t understand or are we, because while we are capable of understanding, we often refuse to do so?

Throughout time, love has been defined and changed by different cultures, religion, beliefs and even science. Intrapersonal, interpersonal, platonic, physical, physiological, etc, etc and somehow with all these definitions it become more confusing. In our quest to give rhyme or reason to this feeling we end up failing to understand that love CANNOT be defined. There could only be poems written about it, movies created for it, music composed to express it and yet it remains vaguely familiar. Like a distant echo or a fleeting whisper, you know what it is but you just can’t seem to figure it out. Until it calls out to you again and again, little by little you begin to learn, you begin to understand. And even then, you still stumble from time to time.

Sex on the other hand is easier to define. It has no complications. Its two bodies intertwined, locked in a tight embrace and hopefully later rather than sooner, both reaches orgasm. And when it’s done, it’s done. You either produce something out of it or throw it away and get ready for the next. Simple, right? In the past, I’ve made the mistake of confusing sex with love or the other way around. I vowed never to make the same mistake again. It truly made me a better person, I think. Less drama in my life, less complications, less jerks to jerk around or less time to spend thinking what I’ve done wrong. By learning the ‘less’ of things, I have more.

In the whole gayness of my world, love is very difficult to find nowadays. Considering it’s a relatively small gay world we live in. The problem lies on the fact that gay guys like to share, even if the other partner doesn’t know it or want that set-up.
Every weekend or so, I usually go to my hangout in Malate. Not trying to find true love but to basically have a good time, which I fortunately have everytime I go there. Still, I couldn’t help but keep my fingers-crossed, eyes opened wide and be on the lookout. After all, one could never know when it will come. It usually catches you on your most unguarded moment and I, being the eternal vain gay that I am, would not want to be caught dead in all my un-fabulous-ness. I don’t want love to come one day and I would look like crap and he’d rather be looking elsewhere. Wouldn’t want to miss that chance now would I?

I am still very optimistic about the entire love thing. And even if I’m coming to my 2 year ‘singlehood’ anniversary, I have never given up hope. I may have had a lot of hit and miss but one day I just might hit the cherry. And by then I would probably hear bells, maybe even angels or even see fireworks. It might feel like magic. It might feel like something else. Whatever the case maybe, I’m ready to be hurt only to experience love again. So come, HURT ME! Hurt me bad --- If only to feel, if only to love once more. If only to have that ever so glorious ‘meltdown’ only to rise up and have the fantastic make-up sex after. Now who says, love, sex and yes, maybe even magic can’t all go together?


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo